Many people do not even know what this is or that it even exists, I didn’t until I experienced it.
Most people have heard of postpartum depression which is something about 25% if not more women experience after childbirth.
Antepartum Depression is depression that occurs while you are pregnant. Up to 23% of women experience this.
It consists of:
1: Persistent sadness
2: Loss of interest in activities or hobbies you once enjoyed
3: Feelings of hopelessnesss, worthlessness, helplessness or guilt
4: Frequently feeling irritated, anxious, frustrated or angry.
Now, these things are among the other normal pregnancy aches and pains such as fatigue, exhaustion, sleep disturbances etc.
So now that I’ve given you a bit of information regarding what this is, let me tell you why I’m talking about it.
I’m talking about it because I experienced it.
I didn’t even know it existed, I realized that I wasn’t alone, I want you to realize you’re not alone either and sharing is caring! LOL
Long story, short…I was a HOT MESS during my pregnancy.
Here it is..i’m remarried to the love of my life, have two amazing children 9 & 10, genuinely happy and content with life and surprise...we’re having a baby. We were excited, I was excited, the kids were excited!
Then I started to become someone that I didn’t even recognize. I was mean, irritable, every smell revolted me, l was cranky and pretty difficult to even be around. I avoided people at all costs (which was really for their benefit, cause I was a mess and mean!) It was a really, really dark place. (i'm giving you the short version)
I felt so guilty because here I was pregnant, when so many women struggle to or aren't able to conceive, pregnant and healthy when so many women have pregnancies that aren’t healthy for mom or baby and here I was miserable in my own skin.
My poor husband bore the brunt of me during this season because he was the closest one too me. He never complained, he did any and everything I needed and asked of him. Although im sure, which he did tell me later was making him crazy LOL! (love, sigh).
My doctor offered me anti-depressants because she was able to see how bad it was and how it was taking a toll on me. I declined them and told her I would try a different method. I was losing weight throughout the pregnancy, was not eating, couldn’t stay focused and so many other things. (not to mention road rage) LOL.
There were days that I did not want to get out of the bed. I had two other children to care for, yet couldn’t bring myself to move. I even began to resent being pregnant and if I were to be totally candid I was mad at myself for even being pregnant.
I’m 35 years old with two amazing kids, almost finished my doctorate degree, enjoying my job and loving life. What was I thinking starting all over?
There was such a disconnect between me and this sweet pea that was growing inside of me.
I remember in the hospital after I had the baby and we were settled in the room, my husband said something about the baby and I said no, that’s your baby, not mine.
And I meant it.
The disconnect was so very real, still and here she was in my arms. When I heard myself say those words, I knew that I was in trouble and I needed to ward of postpartum depression very quickly, before it had the opportunity to take root.
I began to pray and ask God to help me.
My baby girls name is Joy.
I asked God to help me to feel that Joy for this sweet girl that He had blessed us with.
While life has been nicely chaotic since having her, Joy truly has been a joy and has brought so much of that into our home and lives.
I share this so that other women would know they are not alone, they are not crazy, that you do not have to apologize for feeling this way and that it WILL pass.
It won’t be easy to endure but you can endure it and that it will not last always.
This is part of my story that while I feel may be judged one way or the other, similar to that of Domestic Violence, I don’t shy away from sharing.
I am not content helping just one woman, I want to help as many as I can. And if that includes you, then it was worth sharing.
Revelation 12:11…. And they overcame by the Word of their Testimony